So Close
by NostalgicSchemer
Summary: So close...  I finally turn, racing out of the ballroom. I don't care that I shoved couples aside or to the ground entirely. I don't care anymore. They could all go to hell for all I care.  So close.. And Still... So far...


The news of Austria's engagement hits me at the yearly ball. I only came because everyone deserved to have my awesome presence at least once in a while. I stood over by the punch bowl, watching the happy couple waltz. I swallowed hard as I watched them, my eyes trained on the only person I'd ever loved... Not that I'd tell him that to his face. He'd just scoff and go back to playing that pansy piano of his...

Ah, yes, that piano... I loved to listen to him play it. I'd purposely piss him off to listen to him play that instrument. Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven... All of them were beautiful only when he played them. They would grow wings and soar around.

He glanced over at me and I swallowed thickly, turning my red eyes away, white hair obscuring my face slightly. Which reminds me, I needed to get a hair cut.

When the song changed and I saw Elizabeta leave her fiance's arms, I walked over. I'd have to take this chance. It would be the only one I'd ever get now. "Roddy," I called, smirking at him. I wouldn't let him know how much pain I was in, even if it slowly ate my heart and I'd never be able be around him without feeling a twinge of it.

He looked up, Mariazell bouncing slightly on top of his head. I smirked wider, giving a bow. He looked surprised. Was it because I was wearing appropriate clothing for once? Probably. I glanced down at my suit. The ornaments on it making it seem more like something out of a fairytale than something I would own. I looked back up into his violet eyes and held my hand out to him. "Might I have this dance?"

Roderich stared at me as if I had grown two heads before sighing and taking my hand. "You lead," he muttered, looking away. His glasses glinted in the light. I couldn't help but pull him a bit closer, setting one hand on his waist. He set the corresponding hand on my shoulder and gripped my hand with his other one. "You better not make a fool of me," he said. I chuckled a bit.

_You're in my arms _

_And the world is calm._

_The music playing on for only two_

"I wouldn't dream of it, Roddy," I whispered to him as I lead him into the slow dance. He probably expected me to trip him or exclaim how awesome I am or... Hell, I don't know what goes on in that gorgeous head of his. I looked him in the eye and I saw him hitch his breath. I nearly panicked but forced myself to remain calm.

_So close together,_

_And when I'm with you_

_So close to feeling alive._

"Gilbert," he called and I looked at him. I hadn't realized I had been spacing off. "Why did you ask me to dance?" he asks. I can tell he wants to sound angry but the look in his eyes is completely different. He's confused. I smiled a bit.

"I wanted to know what it felt like," I answer him cryptically. He looks even more confused but I don't give him to respond. I give him a spin outward and then spin him close again.

_A life goes by_

_Romantic dreams will stop_

_So I bid mine goodbye and never knew_

I should have seen the day coming when he would get married to Lizzy. The two of them make the perfect couple, picturesque, and I hate her for that. She could give him what he wants, what he needs...

All I ever gave him was grief and strife. My grip momentarily tightens on his hand and he gives me another confused look. Maybe I should have chosen another song to dance two.

_So close was waiting, waiting here with you_

_And now forever I know_

_All that I wanted to hold you_

_So close..._

"Any big plans, aside from marriage?" I managed to ask. I look at him, hoping he doesn't see the pain in my eyes, the love I was trying desperately to hide.

This marriage wasn't for any alliance: he had asked her for an actual marriage this time, as two people... Maybe that was what stung the most.

"Not really... I mean, I'm sure Elizabeta's planning for children.." Roderich answers and I swallow thickly.

_Would you have chosen me,_ I find myself thinking, _if I could give you children? Would I have taken your breath away if I was as curvy as Elizabeta, or if I could cook you a romantic dinner in bed? If I could offer you lands?_ I'm reminded that I'm no longer a country, just hanging onto my existence by a thread of fraying hope for requited love.

_So close to reaching that famous happy ending_

_Almost believing this one's not pretend_

_And now you're beside me and look how far we've come_

_So far, we are, so close_

"Gilbert? Are you alright?" Roderich asks. I nod, forcing a smirk.

"Of course I am; the awesome me is never anything but alright," I state, but even to me the words sound hollow. He frowns but doesn't question it. I closed my eyes for a moment, only to jump when he places his head on my shoulder.

_How could I face the faceless days_

_If I should lose you now?_

_We're so close_

"May I cut in?" Elizabeta asks as she taps my shoulder. I gulp and slowly pull away from Roderich. I miss his warmth immediately and I know there are tears in my eyes. I hand him over to Elizabeta and watch them as they pick up the dance where we left off.

Slowly, I back away from the scene, my heart loosing another piece with each step. I know they're not looking at me and I'm grateful for it for once. There are tears racing down my pale cheeks and I know it's entirely not awesome

_To reaching that famous happy ending_

_Almost believing this one's not pretend._

_Let's go on dreaming for we know we are_

_So close_

I finally turn, racing out of the ballroom. I don't care that I shoved couples aside or to the ground entirely. I don't care anymore. They could all go to hell for all I care.

_So close_

I don't hear the _plink_ of the ring falling from my pocket and onto the floor. I don't hear the shouts of my name. All I can hear is the breaking of my heart, shattering porcelain in my ears and each step just causes another piece to be crushed to dust.

_And still_

I just wanted to forget that look of happiness on his face when he saw Elizabeta. I'll never hold a candle to her, I know this, and still I was foolish enough to hope that it was all a dream; that he hadn't asked her to marry him on the day I was going to finally, _finally,_ confess to him; that she hadn't accepted his proposal with eyes full of joyous tears while mine were full of heartbroken ones.

_So far..._


End file.
